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The Simple Plot Of Final Fantasy 7 (Starbomb)

Hello, and welcome to Talking Video Games (clapping) Today's subject is games with simple plots I'd like to welcome our guests Would each of you please say who you are, and give a brief summary of the plot of your game? Yes, hello, my name is Pac-Man and I eat dots and fruit (clapping) My name's Donkey Kong, I throw barrels at a guy (clapping) Hi, I'm Cloud Strife from Final Fantasy 7 My game's plot is pretty simple It goes like this I was a mercenary working for the Avalanche gang Awesome eco-terrorists who you'd probably wanna bang I got trapped in a reactor shortly after my last raid And got shot into a slum where I could have gotten SQUAIDS That's squirrel aids, for anyone who's wondering at home Anyway, I met a girl inside the Midgar zone Her name was Aerith and I soon became her bodyguard She knew how to work a staff, and she made my body hard Okay Cloud, this is getting complex So we're gonna move on to one of our other guests I knew Aerith was a Cetra Excuse me I was singing She could lead us to a promised land where energy was springing I went to rescue her, but I was captured and detained (Um) There I met Red XIII a talking lion with a mane (Cloud) The president of Shinra was shot by Sephiroth A super-evil-Jenova-style-monster-clone-jerkoff (Hey) We learned about Jenova, got our things, and then departed (Wait, I'm totally confused) I haven't even gotten started We met Cait Sith, as well as Vincent, Cid and Yuffie We had gotten very tired and my balls were kind of poofy So Aerith let us rest, her tired ass continued on Until Sephiroth killed her and then she turned into a swan (What?) Wait, that didn't happen, sorry, let me get rebooted This is sort of where the plot gets a little convoluted An earthquake happened, then it started snowing like December Then some other shit went down that I don't seem to remember You're using up the whole show, Cloud, please take a rest So let's hear from one of our many other fine guests Q*bert, what's your game about? I jump on blocks And you, Asteroid ship? I blow up rocks Back to my story, Sephiroth was casting spells To make a giant meteor and blow Gaia to Hell Wait, that doesn't make sense, how on earth would you know- Shut your stupid, French mouth, no one asked you, Glass Joe. God! I'm so sorry I'm gonna cut your story short, your plot is way too frigging crazy And we've got one more guest we need to meet (And here he is now) Hi, my name is Frogger, and I try to cross the street Fuck you, Frogger, I killed Hojo, and I went to the Planet's core Sit down, Ninja Gaiden, I'm not done, you stupid whore We defeated Sephiroth who was now in godlike form And cast a Holy spell to stop the asteroid storm The Lifestream stopped the meteor, the whole planet was saved After hearing that plot, I think I have to go shave You got something to say, Dig Dug? You wanna fucking go- Wait why's this hose in my ass, oh Jesus, God no