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The Referee's Alphabet (Half Man Half Biscuit)

The A is for my authority which many players seem to question, thinking theyre somehow going to make me change my mind B is for babies which a lot of managers cry like after a decision has not gone their way C is for the continual criticism i recieve from the touchline get back in your technical area! D is for the dunderheads who seem to think we have a conspiracy against their particular team E is for the eery silence that echoes around the ground after I've booked the home teams player and its obvious to everyone that he deserved it F is the farce into which most games would descend if we werent there The G is for the gnarled face of someone whos on £90,000 a week and reckoned he should have had a throw in H is for handball which has to be intentional and very rarely is if only people would study the rules more I is for innocence, pleaded by many a doe-eyed defender after theyve just scythed down that tricky winger J is for ju-jitsu, which i quite intend to display given a dark alley and some of the narky blerts ive encountered K is for the kissing of the badge how ridiculous that looks 6 months later when theyre at another club L is for lip reading, at which you dont need to be an expert to see how odious some people are M is for the mistakes we sometimes make surely a bit of controversy is part of the games appeal The N, the N is for the numbskull who during the boxing day game asks me what else i got for christmas besides my whistle an afternoon with your wife mate The O is for offside which many forwards tell me they simply could not have been The P is for the penalty shootout great drama and no pressure on me Q is the quiet word i sometimes need to have with some of the more fiery participants i usually choose the word 'pleat' R is for running backwards a difficult skill which the pundits never seem to appreciate S is for the suggestion that i should have awarded a card of some sort to a player whos just been awarded a free kick sorry i got all that wrong the S again okay the S, the S is the suggestion that i should show a card to an opponent by a player whos been awarded a free kick he himself is more in danger of getting one for that T is for the 21 man brawl whiuch is basically an embarrassing scene of pushing and shoving U is for the umpire which i sometimes wish id been instead you never hear a cricket crowd shouting whos the bastard in the hat The V is for vitriol vilification vendetta and volley of verbal abuse some good bird noises there by the way W is for walter pidgeon whos mr Griffiths in 'how green was my valley' i may have started to sound like during this song 'where was the light i thought to see in your eye' he says that to a young huw played by roddy McDowall The X The X represents the sarcastic kiss planted on my forehead by the swarthy potugese center half who i just dismissed The Y is for Yate the kind of town referees come from And the Z Well the Z could be for Zidane, Zico, Zola, Zubizaretta, Zoff Even Zondervan but is in fact for the zest with which we approach our work without this zest for the game we wouldnt become refs and without refs, well zero See also Zatopek, Zeus and Zeal Monachorum I have a caravan there static naturally Wouldnt it be fun if the gave the ref a gun