The Simple Plot Of Final Fantasy 7


Hello, and welcome to Talking Video Games
Today's subject is games with simple plots
I'd like to welcome our guests
Would each of you please say who you are, and give a brief summary of the plot of your game?
Yes, hello, my name is Pac-Man and I eat dots and fruit
My name's Donkey Kong, I throw barrels at a guy
Hi, I'm Cloud Strife from Final Fantasy 7
My game's plot is pretty simple
It goes like this

I was a mercenary working for the Avalanche gang
Awesome eco-terrorists who you'd probably wanna bang
I got trapped in a reactor shortly after my last raid
And got shot into a slum where I could have gotten SQUAIDS
That's squirrel aids, for anyone who's wondering at home
Anyway, I met a girl inside the Midgar zone
Her name was Aerith and I soon became her bodyguard
She knew how to work a staff, and she made my body hard
Okay Cloud, this is getting complex
So we're gonna move on to one of our other guests
I knew Aerith was a Cetra
Excuse me I was singing

She could lead us to a promised land where energy was springing
I went to rescue her, but I was captured and detained (Um)
There I met Red XIII a talking lion with a mane (Cloud)
The president of Shinra was shot by Sephiroth
A super-evil-Jenova-style-monster-clone-jerkoff (Hey)
We learned about Jenova, got our things, and then departed (Wait, I'm totally confused)
I haven't even gotten started
We met Cait Sith, as well as Vincent, Cid and Yuffie
We had gotten very tired and my balls were kind of poofy
So Aerith let us rest, her tired ass continued on
Until Sephiroth killed her and then she turned into a swan (What?)
Wait, that didn't happen, sorry, let me get rebooted
This is sort of where the plot gets a little convoluted
An earthquake happened, then it started snowing like December
Then some other shit went down that I don't seem to remember

You're using up the whole show, Cloud, please take a rest
So let's hear from one of our many other fine guests
Q*bert, what's your game about?
I jump on blocks
And you, Asteroid ship?
I blow up rocks

Back to my story, Sephiroth was casting spells
To make a giant meteor and blow Gaia to Hell
Wait, that doesn't make sense, how on earth would you know-
Shut your stupid, French mouth, no one asked you, Glass Joe. God!

I'm so sorry
I'm gonna cut your story short, your plot is way too frigging crazy
And we've got one more guest we need to meet (And here he is now)
Hi, my name is Frogger, and I try to cross the street

Fuck you, Frogger, I killed Hojo, and I went to the Planet's core
Sit down, Ninja Gaiden, I'm not done, you stupid whore
We defeated Sephiroth who was now in godlike form
And cast a Holy spell to stop the asteroid storm
The Lifestream stopped the meteor, the whole planet was saved
After hearing that plot, I think I have to go shave
You got something to say, Dig Dug? You wanna fucking go-
Wait why's this hose in my ass, oh Jesus, God no