Billy the Mountain

Zappa Frank

Billy the Mountain
Billy the Mountain
A regular picturesque
Postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely
Rosamond and Gorman
With his stunning wife Ethel
A tree, a tree. 

Billy was a Mountain
Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder
Billy was a Mountain
Billy was a Mountain
Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder
Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder
( Hey, hey, hey! )
Billy had two big
Caves for eyes
With a cliff for a jaw
That would go up or down
And whenever it did
He'd puff out some dust
And hack up a boulder, hack.
Hack up a boulder, hack, hack.
Hack up a boulder, hack, hack.
Hack up a boulder. 

Now, one day, and I believe it was on Tuesday, a man in 
checkered double-knit suit drove up in large El Dorado 
Cadillac leased from Bob Spreene ( "Where the freeways 
meet in Downey!" ) and he laid a huge bulging envelope 
right at the corner of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, that was 
right where his foot was supposed to be. Now BILLY THE 
MOUNTAIN, he couldn't believe it: All those postcards 
he'd posed for, for all of those years, and finally, 
now at last, his royalties! "Royalties, royalties, 
royalties! The royalty check is in, honey!" ... Yes, 
BILLY THE MOUNTAIN was rich! Yes, and his eyeball 
caves, they widened in amazement... and his jaw, which 
was a cliff, well it ... it dropped thirty feet! A 
bunch of dust puffed out ... rocks and boulders hacked 
up, hack! hack! ... crushing the Lincoln ... 

I gave him the money
He acted real funny
He hacked up a rock and
It totaled my car
Oh do you
Know any trucks
Might be bound for the valley
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
( Dear Lord )
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
( No shit )
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar 

By two o'clock, when bars had already closed down, 
Billy had broken the big news to Ethel, AHHHH, and with 
dust and boulders everywhere, Billy, choked with 
exitement, announced: "Ethel, we're going on a 
vacation!"... Yes, and they were going on a vacation, 
oh, and Ethel, Ethel, Ethel, like any little woman, she 
of course was very excited ... she creaked a little 
bit, and some old birds flew off of her. Billy told 
Ethel they were going to... yes, they where going to 
New York! "Ethel, we're going to... New York! But first 
they were gonna stop in Las Vegas... 

"It's off to Las Vegas to check out the lounges,
Pull a few handles and drink a few beers, oh Ethel,
Ethel, my darling, you know that I love you,
I'm glad we could have a vacation this year,
Oh neat-o, glad we could have a vacation this year." 

They left that night, crunchin' across the Mojave 
Desert, their voices echoing thru the canyons of your 
minds... "Ethel, wanna get a cuppa cawfee? Howard 
Johnson's, ahhh there's a Howard Johnson's! ... Wanna 
eat some clams? ... 

The first noteworhty piece of real estate they 
destroyed was Edwards Air Force Base. And to this very 
day, wing-nuts and data reduction clerks alike speak in 
reverent whispers about that fateful night when Test 
Stand Number One and the rocket sled itself got 
LUNCHED, I said LUNCHED, by a famous mountain and his 
small wooden wife ... 

"Word just in to the KTTV news service undeniably links 
this mountain and his wife to drug abuse and payoffs as 
part of San Joaquin Valley smut ring. However, we can 
assure parents in the Southern California area that a 
recent narcotic crackdown in Torrence ... Hawthorne ... 
Lomita ... Westchester ... Playa del Rey ... Santa 
Monica ... Tujunga ... Sunland ... San Fernando ... 
Pacoima ... Sylmar ... Newhall ... Canoga Park ... 
Palmdale ... Glendale ... Irwindale ... Rolling Hills 
... Granada Hills ... Shadow Hills ... Cheviot Hills 
... will provide the secret evidence the Palmdale Grand 
Jury has needed to seek a criminal indictement and pave 
the way for stiffer legislation, increased federal aid, 
and avert a crippling strike of bartenders and 
veterinarians throughout the inland empire ..." 

Within the week, Jerry Lewis had hosted a telethon ( La 
La La nice lady ) to raise funds for the injured, 
"injured", and homeless, "homeless" in Glendale, as 
Billy had just levelled it. And a few miles right 
outside of town Billy caused a 'Oh mine/my(?) papa' in 
the earth's crust, right over the secret underground 
dumps, right near the Jack In The Box on Glenoaks where 
they keep the pools of old poison gas and obsolete 
germs bombs, just as a freak tornado cruised through 
... Yes, it was about three o'clock in the afternoon 
when little Howard Kaplan was sitting on his porch ( 
"Toto...!") just playing ( "Come here, Toto ...!") and 
having a nice time with his little accordion, 
("Toto...!") and this weird wind came up, direct from 
Glendale, blowing those terrible germs in his direction 
... and all this caused by huge mountain ("Aunty Em") 
somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly, sucking up 
two-thirds of it ( suck, suck, suck) for an ultimetly 
dispersal over vast stretches of ... WATTS!!! 

Now, unless I misunderstood, it was right outside of 
Columbus, Ohio when Billy received his notice to report 
for his induction physical. Now lemme tell ya, Ethel 
said, now Ethel, Ethel said she wasn't gonna let him go 
... "I'm not gonna let you go, Billy" ... that's right, 
we now have confirmed reports from an informed Orange 
County minister that Ethel is still an active communist 
and it is this reporter's opinion that she also 
practices covent WITCH-CRAFT ... 

It was about this time that the telephone rang inside 
of the secret briefcase belonging to one mortal man who 
might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction 
and save America herself. And I'm sorry to disappoint 
some of you, it was not Chief Redden. This one man was 
Studebacher Hoch, fantastic new super hero of the 
current economic slump. Now, some folks say he looked 
like Zubin Mehta (Zubin Mehta); still others say 
"Bullshit, honey, it was just another greasy guy who 
happened to be born next to the frozen beef pies at 
Boney's Market..."; still others say "Pshaw/Shaun(?), 
and piss on you, Jack, he's just a crazy Iatlian who 
drove a red car ..." You see, nobody ever really knew 
for sure because Studebacher was sooooo mysterious .... 

He was so ( he was so, he was so) mysterious
He was so ( he was so, he was so) mysterious
'Cuz when a person gets to be such a hero, folks
And marvelouse beyond compute
You can never really tell about a guy like that
Whether he's really a nice person
Or if he just smiles a lot
Or if he has a son named Pinocchio or what.
Whether he's really a nice person
Or if he has a son named Pinocchio or what.
Some men say he could fly
Some men say he could swim
Others say he could sing like Neil Sedaka,
And all the girls in Flushing would be amazed of him
Two, three amazed of him ... amazed ... 

Time passed. January, February, March, July, Wednesdey, 
August, Irwindale, two-thirty in the afternoon, Sunday, 
Monday, Funny Cars, Walnuts, City of Industry, Big John 
Masamanian ... So when the phone ring in the secret 
briefcase, a strong masculine hand with a Dudley Do-
Right wristwatch and flexy braclet grabbed it and 
answered in a deep, calmly assured voice: "So... ah... 
yeah, yeah hello already ... what? ... well, yeah? ... 
Ah-are you kidding? ... You're not kidding ... a 
mountain ... with a tree growing off of its shoulder? 
Aw, you're fulla shit, man... ah listen, by the way, 
before you go on; did you get those white albums I sent 
ya with the pencil on the front, yeah? Yeah, you should 
move some of those for me ... We're having a lot 
of,...listen, so kiss little Jakee on the head... and 
how's your wife's hemorrhoids?...ah, that's too 
bad...Listen...so you've got a mountain, with a tree, 
listen, causing...well, let me write this down... sorta 
take a few notes here...yeah? ...to El Segundo, 
huh?...causing 

untold destruction..( my baby, my baby )...wanted for 
draft evasion?... an expense account? ... and per diem, 
too?..." 

SOME MEN SAY HE COULD DANCE
They said he could dance
And of course they were right ... 

Ladies and gentelmen, this is it: The Studebacher Hoch 
Dancing Lesson & Cosmic Prayer For Guidence, 
featuring Aynsley Dunbar! ... HIT IT! ...
TWIRLY, TWIRLY, TWIRLY, TWIRLY, TWIRLY, Fillmore ...
Hey, right hand from a heart
Left hand from a heart
Right hand from a heart
Left hand from a left shoulder
To the heart. Fillmore, Fillmore ...
Nobody can dance like Studebacher Hoch ...
So many rumors have spread about Studebacher Hoch ... 
consider this rumor which was published about three 
weeks ago in ROLLING STONE ( oh, it's gotta be true! ) 
... Studebacher Hoch can write the Lord's Prayer on the 
head of a pin!" (NO!) do-do-do do-do-doot doot do-do-do 
... ... I'm so hip ... beef pies ... he was born next 
to the beef pies, underneath Joni Mitchell's 
autographed picture, right beside Elliot Robert's big 
bank book, next to the boat where Crosby flushed away 
all his stash and the cops got him in the boat and 
drove away, to the can where Neil Young slipped another 
disc ... 

[ Frozen ??? pie
Frozen ??? pie
Frozen ??? pie
And that was the main influence on him
The influence of a frozen beef pie ] 

Boldly springing into action he phoned his wife who ran 
a modeling school, whereupon he... yes, he ran around 
the back of the Broadway at Hollywood Boulevard and 
Vine to see if he could find himself some big, large, 
unused cardboard boxes ( no shit! )... after which he 
hit up the Ralph's on Sunset for some Aunt Jemima 
syrup, some Kaiser boiler foil and pair of blunt 
sissors, yeah! ... yes, and in the parking lot of 
Ralph's ... where no prices are lower prices than 
Ralph's... in the parking lot of Ralph's, in between a 
pair of customized trucks where nobody was looking, he 
cut out some really, really, really nice wings and he 
covered them thoroughly with foil ... 

Then he took those wings and wedged one under each of 
his powerful arms and sneaked into a telephone booth 
..YES,YES!! And then he shut the fucking door! ... And 
he pulled down his blue denim policeman-type trouser 
pants, and he spread even amounts of Aunt Jemima maple 
syrup all over the inside of his legs! ... Soon the 
booth was filling with flies ( help me! help me! help 
me! ) ... He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so 
they could all get in, and when each and every one of 
those little cocksucking flies had gone into his pants 
and they were lapping up all that maple syrup, he bent 
over and he put his head between his legs and he said 
in a very clear, impressive, Ron-Hubbard-type voice: 
"New York"... And the booth and everything lifted up, 
out of parking lot, and into the sky. 

Studebacher Hoch
YEAH, YEAH,
Studebacher Hoch
Studebacher Hoch
Studebacher Hoch
YEAH, YEAH,
Studebacher Hoch
Studebacher Hoch
He's coating his legs
With Aunt Jemima syrup up and down
His shorts will be filled with flies
That will be buzzing all around
Studebacher Hoch is really outa sight
Studebacher Hoch, he does it every night
Studebacher Hoch, he treats the flies all right
Studebacher Hoch
That's why they never bite, hey! 

Hey please to New York
Fly to New York 

He could be a dog
Or a frog
Or a lesbian queen
(Fly to New York)
He could be a narc
Or a lady marine
Or he might play dirty
He's over thirty
Getting old ...
I don't know
His peculiar attire
And the flies he requires
Keep leading him on
'Cuz Ethel is gone
They keep leading him on
'Cuz Ethel is gone
And the mountain she's on 

And speaking of mountains - - we'll join Studebacher 
Hoch on the edge of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth .. take 
it away! ... 

"Ah ... ya, ya, ya, hey-ah, Billy, listen ... I've come 
to reason with you ... our great country needs you in 
the armed forces ... Your number came up ... ya can't 
go on running like this forever ..." 

Ah, but Ethel just shook her twigs angrily. But 
Studebacher Hoch, calm, cool, collected and 
unperturbed, continued: 

"Ya, well listen ... listen you communist sonofabitch 
... you better get your ass down there for your fuckin' 
physical or I'll see to it that you get used for fill 
dirt in some impending New Jersey marsh reclamation ... 
And your girlfiend there will wind up disguised as 
series of brooms, primative ironing boards or a dog 
house ... get the ( cough, cough) get the picture?" 

Ya, well Billy just laughed: 

"Ha, ha, ha. If they think they're gonna draft me, 
they're crazy." 

Unfortunately, because Studebacher Hoch was standing on 
the edge of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth when the giant 
mountain laughed ... Studebacher Hoch lost his footing 
and fell screaming, two hundred feet into the rubble 
below ... ( "Aaahhhhh, oh fuck, I'm gonna need a truss 
...") 

Ah listen, that only goes to show you
And it'l show you once again that
A mountain is something you don't wanna fuck with
You don't wanna fuck with
Don't fuck around
Don't fuck around
Don't fuck with Billy, No
And don't fuck with Ethel
You saw what just happened
To the guy with the flies 

Don't fuck around
Don't fuck around
Don't fuck around
Don't fuck around
Don't fuck around
Don't fuck around
Don't fuck around
With Biddilly, Biddilly
Biddilly The Mountain 

Eddie, are you kidding?
Eddie, are you kidding?
Oh I forgot to mention this is where we take our 
intermission.
we will see you in a few minutes
Thank you, We'll be back.