Champagne Lecture

Zappa Frank

FZ: You know, a lotsa of people don't bother about 
their friends in the VEGETABLE KINGDOM. They think, 
'What can I say? What can a person who is new to the 
Midwest say to a vegetable?'
Howard: Suss it out, wankers!
Mark: Suss it out, wankers!
Mark & Howard: Suss it out, wankers!
Jeff: Suss it out, wankers
FZ: Suss it out, wankers!
Mark & Howard: Suss it out, wankers! 
Aynsley: Suss it out, wankers . . . what's the matter 
with you?
Howard: Aynsley Dunbar!
FZ: And after sussed it out, wankers . . .
Mark: Ok
FZ: You go and get yourself a big bottle of champagne!
Mothers: AAAH!
FZ: Find yourself a young vegetable victim!
Mothers: Yeah!
FZ: Take your young vegetable victim . . . Step one, 
now this is very important, you have to do it exactly 
this way. Bring the band on down behind me, boys, this 
gets technnical! First: You get a Polaroid camera . . .

Mothers: Yeah!
FZ: And you make one good jump, from a balcony to 
another balcony on the seventh floor of the Sheraton 
Hotel in Jacksonville
Howard: Aynsley Dunbar, ladies and gentlemen
FZ: When you land on the other balcony with your 
Polaroid camera, something like this . . .
Mothers: Heeey!
FZ: Shoot off one good flashbulb catching . . . The 
agent will immediately turn around and say, 'You know, 
I sure would like to have that photograph.' You walk up 
to the agent and say, 'Well, ha, funny you should 
mention it, I have this photograph here and just about 
time to develop it, yes it turned out great, it shows 
both of you here, and I'll give you this photograph if 
you'll give me the munchkin vegetable that you're with 
in order that I might make a few more pictures . . . ' 
So you make a quick trade, holding the champagne bottle 
in abeyance until the rest of the members of your band 
have jumped over the same balcony . . .
Mothers: Eeeeeeeeh!
FZ: And come in and taken their places around the bed 
where the munchkin vegetable is laid out, posing: Leg 
up in the air and legs down, legs to the side. Then, 
after some deft manipulation of the vital parts of the 
munchkin vegetable . . .
Jeff: Hey, I want some baby to hold my tool and squeeze 
it
FZ: With one masterful stroke -you might use several 
masterful strokes- shake up the magnum of champagne to 
a foamy froth, holding your thumb over the end of it . 
. .
Aynsley: No, no, no . . . not the cork in, Frank, you 
pull the cork out . . . Suss it out, wankers!
Howard: They're a hip audience, Frank, they know what's 
gonna happen next!
FZ: After the band has given you their complete 
attention, and is watching closely for the precise 
moment of the detonation of the alcoholic beverage into 
the vital organ, you give a sort of casual glance 
around the bedroom of the Sheraton, a suave little 
smile and wink one eye, adjust your bow tie, and just 
stuff it right in there!
Mothers: Aaaah!
FZ: And then you tell 'em how you feel. You whip it 
right out, take a snort off of it . . .
Howard: How do you feel?
Mark: Aynsley Dunbar . . .
FZ: No, no, no . . .