Smoke

Leary Denis

I love to smoke. I smoke seven thousand packs a day, 
ok. And I am never fucking quitting! I don't care how 
many laws they make. What's the law now? You can only 
smoke in your apartment, under a blanket, with all the 
lights out? Is that the rule now, huh?! The cops are 
outside, "We know you have the cigarettes. Come out of 
the house with the cigarettes above your head." "You'll 
never get me copper! I'm never coming out, you hear? I 
got a cigarette machine right here in my bedroom. 
Yeah!"

Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get one of those 
tracheotomies. So I can smoke two cigarettes at the 
same time. I'm gonna get nine tracheotomies all the way 
around my neck. I'll be Tracheotomie Man! "He can smoke 
a pack at a time! He's Tracheotomie Man!"

I'm looking forward to cancer, man. I want that throat 
cancer. That's the best kind. You know why? You get 
that throat cancer, you get that voice box thing. Know 
what I'm talking about? ..[Talking as if has a voice 
box].. Sure it's scary, but you can make a lot of money 
with a voice box. Get a voice box, walking around the 
streets of Manhattan, "[VB] You got any spare change?" 
"Ahhh!! Here's my whole wallet, get away from me! Ahh!"

Imagine a whole family with voice boxes. That'd be 
creepy, wouldn't it? They'd be out in that backyard 
everyday during the summer. "[VB] Dad, can we go to the 
beach?" "[VB] Yes, get your mother and the dog. We'll 
leave right now. Sparky, come here." "[VB] Arf Arf Arf 
Arf Arf Arf Arf" Ahhhh!!

Or the ultimate irony. A guy with a voice box pulling 
up to the drive through window at McDonald's. That has 
to suck, huh? "Can I help you?" "[VB] Big Mac and a 
large order of fries." "Stop making fun of me." "[VB] 
I'm not making fun of you." "I'm getting the manager." 
"[VB] Get the fucking manager, I don't care."

I can remember a time in this country when men were 
proud to get cancer, God dammit! When it was a sign of 
manhood! John Wayne had cancer twice. Second time, they 
took out one of his lungs. He said, "Take 'em both! Cuz 
I don't fuckin' need 'em! I'll grow gills and breathe 
like a fish!"

Babe Ruth, greatest baseball player to ever play the 
game. He had a voic box. He was the first American to 
have a voice box. Yeah! "[VB] This is Babe Ruth, the 
Sultan of Swat, the Bambino, I smoke twenty-five God 
damn cuban cigars a day. I had meat for breakfast, 
lunch, and dinner. I fucked eighteen prostitutes a 
night! 'course, I'm dead now. I'm up here in heaven. 
Lou Gehrig is up here with me. God love Lou Gehrig. 
Jesus Christ, poor Lou Gehrig. Died of Lou Gehrig's 
disease. How the hell did he not see that coming? You 
know. We used to tell him, Lou, there's a disease with 
your name all over it, pal! There ain't no Babe Ruth 
disease, I'll tell you that much right now. Have a hot 
dog and a Hummer. Go ahead, it's on me."

I don't know. Personally, I think Billy Martin said it 
best when he said, "Hey! I can drive!" Because we tried 
to be nice to you non-smokers. We fucking tried. Okay? 
You wanted your own sections in the restaurants. We 
gave you that, huh. But that wasn't enough for you. 
Then you wanted the airplanes. We gave you the whole 
God damn plane! You happy now? You own the fucking 
plane! I'd like an explanation about that one folks 
because I will guarantee you if the plane is going 
down, the first announcement you're gonna hear is, 
"Folks, this is your Captain speaking. Look, uhm, light 
'em up, 'cause we're going down, okay. I got a carton 
of Camels non-filters, I'll see you on the ground. Take 
it easy." Actually, it'd be more like this, "[VB] This 
is your Captain speaking. Smoke 'em if ya got 'em. Rrrr 
Rrrr"

The filters the best part. That's where they put the 
heroine. Only us real good smokers know that fucking 
secret. Yeah, we tried to be nice to you non-smokers. 
We tried. But you just fucking badger us, you know? You 
won't leave us alone! You got all your little speeches 
you're always giving to us. All these little facts that 
you dig out of a newspaper or pamphlet and you store 
that little nugget in your little fucking head, and we 
light up and you spew 'em out at us, don't ya? I love 
these little facts. "Well you know. Smoking takes ten 
years off your life." Well it's the ten worst years, 
isn't it folks? It's the ones at the end! It's the 
wheelchair kidney dialysis fucking years. You can have 
those years! We don't want 'em, alright!? And I 
guarantee if I'm still alive, I'll be smoking then. 
I'll be in my wheelchair, with my adult diapers on and 
my twenty-five year old non- smoking born again 
christian son behind me. I'll be going, "Hey! Make sure 
you wipe this time. I was itching all week for Christ's 
sake! And get me some more wippets. I'm almost out, you 
fucking pussy! Come on!"

Because you're always telling us, "You know, ever 
cigarette takes six minutes off your life. If you quit 
now you can live an extra ten years. If you quit now, 
you can live an extra twenty years." Hey, I got two 
words for you, ok. Jim Fix. Remember Jim Fix? The big 
famous jogging guy? Jogged fifteen miles a day. Did a 
jogging book. Did a jogging video. Dropped out of a 
heart attack when? When he was fucking jogging, that's 
when! What do you wanna bet it was two smokers who 
found the body the next morning and went, "Hey! That's 
Jim Fix, isn't it?" "Wow, what a fucking tragedy. Come 
on, lets go buy some buds."

It's always the yogurt sprout eating mother fuckers who 
get run over buy a bus drive by a guy who smokes three 
and a half packs a day. "Sorry officer, I didn't see 
him. I was too busy smoking!"