The Referee's Alphabet

Half Man Half Biscuit

The A is for my authority
which many players seem to question, 
thinking theyre somehow going to make me change my mind 

B is for babies 
which a lot of managers cry like 
after a decision has not gone their way

C is for the continual criticism i recieve from the 
touchline
get back in your technical area!

D is for the dunderheads 
who seem to think we have a conspiracy
against their particular team

E is for the eery silence that echoes around the ground
after I've booked the home teams player 
and its obvious to everyone that he deserved it

F is the farce into which most games would descend if 
we werent there

The G is for the gnarled face of someone whos on 
£90,000 a week 
and reckoned he should have had a throw in

H is for handball
which has to be intentional and very rarely is
if only people would study the rules more

I is for innocence, pleaded by many a doe-eyed defender
after theyve just scythed down that tricky winger

J is for ju-jitsu, which i quite intend to display 
given a dark alley
and some of the narky blerts ive encountered

K is for the kissing of the badge
how ridiculous that looks 6 months later when theyre at 
another club

L is for lip reading, at which you dont need to be an 
expert
to see how odious some people are

M is for the mistakes we sometimes make
surely a bit of controversy is part of the games appeal

The N, the N is for the numbskull who during the boxing 
day game
asks me what else i got for christmas besides my 
whistle
an afternoon with your wife mate

The O is for offside
which many forwards tell me they simply could not have 
been

The P is for the penalty shootout
great drama and no pressure on me

Q is the quiet word i sometimes need to have
with some of the more fiery participants
i usually choose the word 'pleat'

R is for running backwards
a difficult skill which the pundits never seem to 
appreciate

S is for the suggestion that i should have awarded a 
card of some sort
to a player whos just been awarded a free kick
sorry i got all that wrong the S again
okay the S, the S is the suggestion that i should show 
a card to an opponent
by a player whos been awarded a free kick
he himself is more in danger of getting one for that

T is for the 21 man brawl
whiuch is basically an embarrassing scene of pushing 
and shoving

U is for the umpire which i sometimes wish id been 
instead
you never hear a cricket crowd shouting whos the 
bastard in the hat

The V is for vitriol vilification vendetta and volley 
of verbal abuse
some good bird noises there by the way

W is for walter pidgeon
whos mr Griffiths in 'how green was my valley' 
i may have started to sound like during this song
'where was the light i thought to see in your eye'
he says that to a young huw played by roddy McDowall

The X
The X represents the sarcastic kiss planted on my 
forehead by the swarthy potugese center half
who i just dismissed

The Y is for Yate 
the kind of town referees come from

And the Z
Well the Z could be for Zidane, Zico, Zola, 
Zubizaretta, Zoff
Even Zondervan
but is in fact for the zest with which we approach our 
work
without this zest for the game we wouldnt become refs
and without refs, well zero
See also Zatopek, Zeus
and Zeal Monachorum 
I have a caravan there
static naturally
Wouldnt it be fun if the gave the ref a gun