Cheepnis (Zappa Frank)

Cheepnis. Let me tell you something, do you like monster movies? Anybody? (YEAH!) I love monster movies, I simply adore monster movies, And the cheaper they are, the better they are. And cheepnis in the case of a monster movie has nothing to do with the budget of the film, although it helps. But true cheepnis is exemplified by visible nylon strings attached to the jaw of a giant spider. I'll tell you, a good one that I saw one time, I think the name of the film was "It conquered the world" (YEAH!) And the... Did you ever see that one? The monster looks sort of like an inverted ice-cream corn with teeth around the bottom. It looks like a, like a teepee or a sort of a rounded off pup-tent affair. And ah, it's got fangs on the base of it, I don't know why but it's a very threatening sight. And then he's got a frown and, you know, ugly mouth and everything, And there's this one scene where the ah monster is coming out of a cave. See? There's always a scene where they come out of a cave, at least once. And the rest of the cast...it musta been made around the 1950's. The lapels are about like th at wide, The ties are about that wide and about this short, And they always have a little revolver that they're gonna shoot the monster with. And there is always a girl who falls down and twists her ankle. Hey hey! Of course there is! You know how they are, the weaker sex and everything, Twisting their ankle on behalf of a little ice-cream corn. Well in this particular scene, In this scene folks, they ah, they didn't wanna re-take it 'cause it musta been so good they wanted to keep it, but they... When the monster came out of the cave, just over on the left hand side of the screen you can see about this much two-by-four attached to the bottom of the Thing as the guy is pushing it out, And then obviously off-camera somebody's goin': "No! Get it back!" ...and they drag it back just a little bit as the guy is goin': "KCH! KCH!" Now that's cheepnis. Right. And this is cheepnis here: One two three four... I ate a hot dog It tasted real good Then I watched a movie From Hollywood (repeat) Little Miss Muffett on a squat by me Took a turn around, I said: Can y'all see? The little strings on the Giant Spider?" The Zipper From The Black Lagoon? The vents by the tanks where the bubbles go up? (And the flaps on the side of the moon) The jelly & paint on the 40 watt bulb They use when the slime droozle off The rumples & the wrinkles in the cardboard rock And the canvas of the cave is too soft The suits & the hats & the tie's too wide And too short for the scientist man The chemistry lady with the roll-away mind And the monster just ate Japan Ladies and gentlemen, The monster, Which the peasants in this area call FRUNOBULAX (Apparently a very large poodle dog) Has just been seen approaching The Power Plant Bullets can't stop it Rockets can't stop it We may have to use NUCLEAR FORCE! HERE COMES THAT POODLE DOG! BIG AS A BLIMP WITH A RHINESTONE COLLAR SNAPPIN' OFF THE TREES LIKE THEY WAS BONSAI'D ORNAMENTS ON A DRY-WOBBLE LANDSCAPE KEEP IT AWAY! DON'T LET THE POODLE BITE ME! WE CAN'T LET IT REPRODUCE! OH! SOMEBODY GET OUT THE PANTS! The National Guard has formed up at the base of the mountain And is attempting to lure the enormous poodle towards the cave Where they hope to destroy it with napalm A thousand of the troopers are now lined up and are calling to the monster... Here Fido Here Fido Here Fido GOT A GREAT BIG SLIMEY THING GOT A GREAT BIG HEAVY THING GOT A GREAT BIG POODLE THING GOT A GREAT BIG HAIRY THING (repeat) C'mon! Everybody! Let's go! Get the distilled water! Get the canned goods! Get the toilet paper! You know we need it! GO TO DA SHELTER MY BABY, MY BABY, GO TO DA SHELTER GO TO DA SHELTER (repeat) Little Miss Muffett on a squat by me, Can ya see the little string danglin' down Makes the legs go wabble an' the mouth flop shut An' the HORRIBLE EYE, HORRIBLE EYE, HORRIBLE EYE Go rollin' around Can y'see it all Can y'see it from here Can y'laugh till yer weak on yer knees If you can't, I'm sorry `cause that's all I wanna know I need a little more cheepnis please Baby, I'm sorry `cause it's all I wanna know I need a little more cheepnis please Baby, I'm sorry `cause it's all I wanna know I need a little more cheepnis please (etc. repeats)